11.15.2013

Lobster Dog

For as long as I can remember I've been obsessed with all things dog. I probably like dogs more than I like people.

I had a black cocker spaniel named Maggie when I was growing up. Even when she was young, she was a crotchety old woman. Due to what I'm sure was inbreeding, she suffered from submissive urination, chronic ear infections, chronic dry eye that resulted in nasty dog eye goop, and what looked like mange, but it wasn't mange. I repeat: It wasn't mange. We weren't horrible dog owners (she went to the vet on the regular for all her meds). Maggie also had chewed all the hair off her paws, to the point that they looked like puffed up raisins, and she'd bite your face off if you got between you and her food. She bit me in the face once... I didn't tell my parents about it for years.



I loved Maggie. I cried like a baby when she was put to sleep. I honestly did not think that I could love another dog as much as I loved that grumpy, crusty, goo-filled dog.

I was in college when Maggie crossed the rainbow bridge. From this point, the point where my heart was ripped from my body, I went dogless for the better part of a decade. I would look at dogs in the same way that some girls look at babies. I'd look at dog owners with a mixture of sadness and jealousy. Why does that person have a dog? I bet they don't even love it.

I also found myself drawn to dog clothes. Particularly, I was drawn to dog costumes. Dogs in costumes speak to me in such a way that causes a warmth to grown from my innermost sphere and radiate outward in a strange, alien way. I think this is... joy?

Enter Penny.


I got Penny, my very sweet, and possibly very stupid, beagle/cattle dog/maybe whippet (?) when I moved back to Southern California from San Francisco. One day, not long after I got Penny, I went on the Internet and I saw that lobster corgi. I must have stared at the image of that smug Corgi for an hour, alternating between laughter and deep contemplation. I think I'm having an epiphany.

My life has boiled down to this very minute. I'm making my dog a lobster costume.


Flash forward 3 years. I still haven't made my dog a lobster costume. Another Halloween has arrived, and my dog is dressed up as a dog. Again. Then Sir Patrick Stewart posts this image on Twitter:


As a Star Trek fan and aficionado of fabulous human beings, I'm very much so "into Patrick Stewart." I take this tweet as a sign from the Lord that I'm supposed to make this costume, like now, before someone else executes the pop culture monstrosity I've conjured. I shall make Penny her lobster costume and I will put a tiny bowler hat on her. She will be Patrick Stewart's biggest fan, and she doesn't even know it yet.

I love Patrick Stewart dog (via imshayshay.blogspot.com)

In all, it took me 4 days to make the costume. The road to sweet lobster glory was long and arduous. I've pricked each of my fingers thrice and I've got bits of batting stuck between my teeth. I finally know how to thread my sewing machine without looking at the manual. I also started to talk to the sewing machine and my imagined studio audience. There are bits of red thread everywhere. I found some thread stuck to a towel in the bathroom. There's red fuzz on my pants and phone and glasses. I'm pissing red. OK, I'm still pissing yellow, but I'm probably pissing like a lobster.

Lobster Dog in a bowler hat - AKA Patrick Stewart's Biggest Fan (via imshayshay.blogspot.com)

Admittedly, I'm pretty proud of myself. I've imagined fake scenarios where strangers will ask me where I got that ADORABLE lobster costume, to which I will look at them all pompous, eyebrows furrowed upward, jaw jutted outward, and say: I made it. (wait for applause). No I won't make you one. Not for a million dollars. I don't even know you. Okay, maybe I'll make you one for a million dollars.

I will tell you how I made it for free though (insert something about a fish and horses, and teaching fishing or drinking water?). If you'd like to know how to make your very own lobster dog costume check this out: LOBSTER DOG.

For everyone else, here's a 54 second film:



Fin
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3 comments

  1. I respond similarly when somebody gets between me and my food... :)

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  2. Hey there - just wondering if you have patterns of the costume for download? Thanks!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have instructions with a picture of the pattern here: https://pethelpful.com/dogs/how-to-make-a-lobster-costume-for-your-dog (Happy sewing!)

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